Dear Mommy,

I know I've posted this before, but I recently went back and edited it.

You don’t know me yet, but you will soon. I’m brand new to this world, and I’m a bit scared—but there’s nothing to be afraid of, because you’ll protect me. I know you will. I promise that you’ll like me a lot. My name is Jonathan Alexander, after Grandpa and Daddy. I’m going to have dark hair like yours and green eyes, just like Daddy’s. Well, that’s not true. I haven’t opened my eyes or grown my hair yet, or even seen Daddy or you, but you’ll see! Once I’m born, I’ll be your pride and joy, your one and only. I hope you’ll love me thiiiiiiis much! I know that I love you a whole lot, too.

I’m going to grow up surrounded by grandma and grandpa and Auntie Tee and Gee. They’ll give us their love, and we’ll be the two happiest people in the world, right, Mommy?

You haven’t found out about me yet, but you will soon. Trust me.

You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, but why were you crying? You told your daddy, and he loved you sooo much. It was obvious to me, Mommy! So why’re you sad? Do you not like me? Was it something I did? Your mommy was happy for you, too. But why’re you still crying? Even your sisters were happy for you—why don’t you smile?

I know that I smiled when you hugged me, in your womb. It’s so warm and alive in here: I can’t wait to find out how it feels to be hugged outside! But you didn’t seem so happy to hug me. What’s wrong?

Mommy, I think I know why you were so sad. You told Daddy today. He cried too, Mommy. Why is everyone so sad? Are you crying about me? Is it wrong that I’m here? Should I get out?

I think, when I tried to go away, I hurt you, Mommy. My foot hit you, and you made a noise—it was so sad, I wanted to cry too. Daddy held you, Mommy, and he spoke to me! He has one of the most amazing voices. I want to hear his voice forever and ever and ever! I can see why you chose him to be my Daddy. And I know why he chose you to be my Mommy: you love him so much, you love everyone so much. But do you love me? I think you do, but you kept making those sad, sad noises! Am I making you sad, Mommy? I’m sorry…

You told Daddy’s mommy about me, and she slapped you! And you cried even harder. She started screaming at you, calling you something that I can’t remember, but I know it was bad because Daddy started yelling at her about it. She screamed at him, too, and then yelled at you again. She told you that you needed to get a…a…an a-bor-tion. The word scares me, Mommy. I want you to hold me again, but Daddy’s holding you, and you’re holding him, too. I don’t want to interrupt you.

Daddy came over to talk to your daddy. Your daddy talked to him sternly, but he was OK. Granddaddy loves my Daddy, and he loves you, too. Apparently, Daddy did something wrong. I don’t know what it was, but I think I’m that something wrong. Mommy, what do I do?

I tried to go away again, Mommy, but I only made you hurt again, so I don’t think I want to go away. It makes you sadder. I’m going to stop moving now, Mommy, so that you can get some sleep. But why are you on the sofa, and not in your bed? You should get some real rest, Mommy. Oh…you’re asleep, Mommy. Goodnight, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.

Daddy came in while you were asleep, Mommy. He kissed you and lifted you up and carried us into your bedroom. He made us all nice and comfy—and then guess what he did! He kissed me and told me he loved me. Isn’t that wonderful, Mommy? Daddy loves me!

The next morning, you were sick. Mommy, I’m worried about you. And then, after you cleaned up, you glared at me! Mommy, did I do something wrong? Maybe I should try to go away again? Oh, I want you to hold me! I want Daddy!

Your littlest sister just came up to you. She wanted to hear me, Mommy. I tried to say what Daddy said to me last night, but there wasn’t any sound. I’m sorry. But she said she heard my heartbeat—what’s a heartbeat, Mommy? You shouted at her. Why’re you angry, Mommy?

You ran out of the house, Mommy, right past Daddy. He asked you what was wrong, but you just yelled at him to go away. What’s wrong, Mommy? You ripped off your necklace. Why’re you yelling at Jesus, Mommy? It’s not His fault. He brought me here because it’s what He wanted for you—you’d love me oh-so-much, He said!

Mommy…Where are you going? It smells bad, and you have a stomach ache. How come you’re crying again? Mommy, why don’t you talk to me? Why don’t you do what Daddy did? Mommy…

Mommy—what is this place? You’re sounding a bit mean. Mommy…Who’s that man? Can’t you see the blood all over him? Oh no, Mommy! Everyone is wearing red…Mommy, Mommy…Why’re you lying down? You’re not tired.

You’re crying.

Mommy, no! Don’t let him touch you! Daddy would never let you do this, I’m sure.

Help me, Mommy! They’re hurting me, Mom!

I opened my mouth to scream, I screamed so, so hard as I was ripped apart, and when my spine was ripped out, but there’s no sound. I wanted to cry, but all I could do was think.

Mommy, do you love me?

Mommy, I love y—

it’s OK, Mommy. I’m up here now with God and my great grandma, and her great grandma, and every single one of our relatives. They all love me, and I got a huuuuuuge hug when I got here! God loves me, too, Mommy!

I found out that you got an abortion. Your soul was stained—your beautiful soul, oh, it got a big icky black spot! Mommy, I worried about you. The saints—I felt that you should have told me about them, and God, too—told me that your Daddy and Mommy and Sisters and my Daddy were asking them to pray for you. Oh, Mommy, you shouldn’t need praying for! You did something wrong, oh. They called it murder.

Mommy, there are so many others of us up here—Lily Jane, and Joseph Alex, and Elizabeth Alice, and millions of others. And there are more every few seconds! They’re all the same as me, and we’re all praying for you and all of our parents; but it’s hard to keep going when we know we weren’t wanted. Will you want me, later? Will you think about us? Please? I miss you...

Oh, Mommy, I love you so much! You went to Confession and God forgave you for what you did. Mommy, from that moment on, I was sooo proud of you! You went out and fought against abortions and all the evil in the world.

Oh no, Mommy! The Evil One didn’t like how you were fighting against him. He sent a million traps to try and catch you, but you evaded all of them. I’m so happy that you beat him! You should have seen how angry he was! But then that man came up to you…And he…

Oh, Mommy. You’ll be here soon. I’ll wait for you, right next to Saint Peter. I come here whenever I can, and Jesus is there, too, and so are so many others. I’m not the only one waiting for someone. All of the other unborn children are here, waiting for their parents to finish cleaning up. I liked how Daddy said it, once. He said that when you come home after a long trip and you’re dirty and smelly, you want to clean up before you see the people you love. You know that they won’t care if you’re dirty and smelly, but you want to be perfect for them. He said that that was what Purgatory was for—you’re coming Home, but if you’ve sinned it’s like dirt on your soul, and you want to clean up; except you have to, or else the purity of God will turn you to dust. So Purgatory’s like a shower, and then God can hug you! I can’t wait for you to hug Him, it’s so wonderful! I want to hug you too.

I like how Daddy said that. But I can’t imagine how you could get dirty.

Oh, Mommy! You’re almost here! And Grandpa and Grandma, and Daddy are almost here, too. I can’t wait. Everyone’s excited for me. I’m excited for you, though, because soon you’ll be here with Jesus and Mary and everyone!

Mommy—you’re here, at last! I can see you. Oh, you’re scared, Mommy. You don’t recognize me. Well then, I’ll be a surprise for you! You go up to St. Peter, and he checks off your name and smiles at you. You’re nervous, Mommy, and I want to hug you. But I’m going to wait and surprise you in just a moment. Oh, Jesus is hugging you! Isn’t it wonderful when He does that?

All your relatives are coming to you, now. My friends are waiting with me, we’re all so excited.

Everyone’s done hugging you, and I can finally see you clearly. You look older than the last time I saw you, but you’re just as beautiful as ever. And your smile is the prettiest in the world, Mommy. You look around at us, the younger ones. You don’t recognize any of us.

I’m stepping forward—I’m nervous, but I’m overwhelmed with how much I love you, Mommy. I’m holding your hands, now, and I look up into your eyes.

“Hi, Mommy,” I say, and then I hug you sooo tight.

You’re crying again.

But you’re happy this time.

And I know you love me.

I’m sorry I doubted you.

I’m sorry you doubted me.